In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
