he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
