I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
birth control should be required to get into college
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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