He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
