You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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