i just made my gag reflex go away.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
