Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
