im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
