I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
