I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
whose parrot is this?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
