wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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