Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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