i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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