She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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