What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
