I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
