More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
