So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I accidentally burped into my bong.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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