I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
