all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
