I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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