If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
