omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
