Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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