you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
