sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I should be sponsored by Trojan
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
