He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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