i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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