see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
