Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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