Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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