I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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