I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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