How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
