Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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