honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
