ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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