my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
