nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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