Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
