Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
