i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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