Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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