We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
