sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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