i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
