I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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