please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
