I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
