I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
