The beer is more important than you right now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
