the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
