i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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